We all have relationships that flicker brightly, briefly, and then fade away—leaving behind embers that continue to glow in unexpected ways. In my case, she swept into my life one warm summer, and for five months, everything felt electric. We were intensely drawn together, adventuring through long days and dazzling nights, carried along by a delicious sense of possibility. Now, more than ten months since our breakup, I don’t miss her as a person (not really), but I do find myself yearning for the freedom, excitement, and aliveness I felt when we were together. She became a symbol—of summer, spontaneity, and a chapter of life I can’t seem to recreate.
The Allure of the ‘Summer Fling’
Summer romances have a mythic quality. Maybe it’s the season’s promise of adventure, the long days that invite us outdoors, or the way life seems to loosen up when the sun is shining. My relationship with my avoidant ex fit perfectly into this narrative. We weren’t together long—five months—but those months felt larger than life.
With her, I felt more alive than I had in years. Every plan was last-minute, every conversation felt intimate and urgent. We dared each other to chase sunsets, try new foods, and blur the boundary between the ordinary and the extraordinary. Our days together became a collection of spontaneous stories and inside jokes. For a season, the world was wide open.
What Draws Us to the Vibe?
- Novelty: New experiences stimulate our brains and make everything feel heightened.
- Freedom: Summer flings often come with fewer expectations and more possibility.
- Intensity: The awareness of time running out adds urgency, making every moment count.
- Self-Discovery: With someone who is different or unpredictable, we get to discover new parts of ourselves too.
The Avoidant Ex as a Symbol
My ex was avoidant—never fully available, drifting in and out of emotional closeness. At the time, that unpredictability was maddening. Now, with the softening lens of hindsight, I see how that very elusiveness fed into the carefree magic of the summer. She wasn’t a safe harbor; she was a wave, impossible to catch, encouraging me to surf life’s possibilities rather than anchor down.
Months later, as another summer rolls in, I catch myself wondering: where is she now? What adventures is she chasing? Even though I know we weren’t compatible in the long run, an ache lingers—not for her, but for that sense of momentum and wildness she brought into my life. I miss the thrill, not the person. I miss the vibe.
Nostalgia for the Feeling, Not the Relationship
It’s natural to revisit old flings when the seasons change, especially those tied to potent memories. But what are we really missing?
Signs You’re Missing a Vibe, Not the Person
- You recall activities and feelings more than specific interactions
- The longing is about freedom, excitement, or energy—not about reuniting
- Fantasies focus on what you did together, not on emotional intimacy or compatibility
- You don’t actually want them back, but you want those experiences again
This realization can feel both liberating and sad. It means you’ve outgrown the relationship, but maybe you haven’t found a way to recapture that aliveness in your own life since then.
How Our Brains Turn Memories into Symbols
We’re meaning-making creatures. When someone enters our lives during a time of heightened emotion, they become a symbol. My ex isn’t just a person—I’ve turned her into an emblem of summer, excitement, and an idealized freedom. This is a universal phenomenon; our brains turn people and events into short-cuts for feelings and states of being that we want more of.
But real life isn’t always as energetic or spontaneous as a summer romance. Over time, daily routines settle in. Summer becomes just a change in temperature, not a season of unending possibilities. That contrast only sharpens my nostalgia. I don’t pine for her; I yearn for a way of being—open, carefree, and wild—that seems just out of reach now.
Why Can’t I Move On From The Feeling?
Ten months have passed. Intellectually, I know the relationship wasn’t meant to last. Yet some days, watching summer drift by outside my window, I still find myself wondering: Where is she now? Who is she with? Is she chasing sunsets with someone new?
These what-ifs aren’t about rekindling romance. They’re evidence of a deeper longing—a wish to feel fully alive again. I sit still while summer rushes past, wanting to step back into that soundtrack of laughter, risk, and color. But I can’t. The chapter is closed.
Understanding the Gap
The gap between our current lives and the memories of better times can feel immense. Often, it’s less about the specific person and far more about:
- A lack of novelty or excitement in daily life
- Monotony or feeling stuck in routines
- Changes in social life, energy, or confidence
When we don’t proactively seek out newness or adventure, nostalgia can start to trick us into thinking the magic has vanished for good. But it hasn’t. We just haven’t created new memories to rival the old ones.
How to Fix (or Heal) These Feelings
You can’t time-travel, and most of us know intellectually that getting back together isn’t what we want or need. So the key becomes: how can you honor those feelings but move forward, bringing more adventure and vibrancy back into your life?
1. Separate the Symbol from the Person
Reflect on what you actually miss. Make a list:
- Was it spontaneity? Novelty? Freedom?
- Was it about how she helped you see yourself?
- What did you feel capable of or allowed to do while you were with her?
Remind yourself: You can cultivate those traits and experiences on your own.
2. Add Mini-Adventures to Daily Life
Adventure doesn’t require another person or a summer fling. Try some of these:
- Try a new restaurant or cuisine—solo or with friends
- Take a spontaneous day trip to a nearby town or natural site
- Sign up for a class you’d never normally take
- Say yes to plans that feel a little outside your comfort zone
Schedule one mini-adventure per week, and notice how your sense of possibility expands.
3. Invest in Changing Your Routine
- Shake up your habits: Rearrange your furniture, start a morning walk, or change your commute route.
- Learn something new: Languages, instruments, sports—anything that feels fresh can reignite curiosity and excitement.
- Meet new people: Join meetups, clubs, or classes centered around your interests.
4. Cultivate Mindfulness and Gratitude
Sometimes, longing for the past is a clue that we aren’t fully present in the now. Practice noticing small joys and moments that make you feel alive. Consider starting a gratitude journal or simply pausing each day to ask: What felt exciting or beautiful today?
5. Process the Emotions Honestly
You’re allowed to mourn the end of a feeling, even if you don’t want the person back. Write about it. Talk to a friend or therapist. Acknowledge the ache instead of numbing it out—often, simply naming the feeling gives it less power.
6. Visualize (and Pursue) Future Possibilities
Start dreaming again. Where would you go if you had a free weekend? What project or hobby have you shelved? Write it down, visualize it, and take a step—however small—towards making it happen.
Letting Go: Why It Matters
Missing a season of excitement, rather than a specific relationship, is more common than many realize. But if you let those feelings linger unexamined, nostalgia can rob you of the present. Letting go isn’t about forgetting; it’s about making space for new energy, relationships, and adventures that align with who you are becoming.
This summer—and every summer after—offers a new canvas. Life may not always feel as wild as it once did, but you have the tools to infuse your days with meaning and spontaneity again. If your ex has become a symbol, honor that. But choose to become your own source of summer energy, freedom, and excitement.
Accepting and Embracing Change
So as I watch this summer pass by, I remind myself: the feeling I chase isn’t lost forever. It’s waiting for me—in the courage to try new things, the willingness to be spontaneous, and the openness to adventure, with or without someone else along for the ride.
The ultimate adventure isn’t in retracing the steps of a past romance. It’s in building a present and future rich with new moments of aliveness. After all, when we miss a vibe, not a person, it means life is inviting us to become the source of the energy we crave.
