Infidelity is a complex topic that evokes deep emotions and difficult questions. Why do people cheat? How does your emotional wiring contribute to relationship choices? In recent years, psychologists have drawn a compelling connection between attachment styles and the likelihood of cheating. Among these, avoidant attachment stands out as particularly relevant. Understanding how avoidant tendencies relate to infidelity can help individuals foster healthier relationships and personal growth.
What is Avoidant Attachment?
Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby, suggests that our early relationships with caregivers shape how we relate to others as adults. While there are several main attachment styles—secure, anxious, and avoidant—this article focuses on avoidant attachment and its impact on romantic relationships.
Avoidant attachment is characterized by discomfort with closeness, difficulty expressing emotions, and a high value on independence. People with this style often keep their partners at arm’s length and struggle to be emotionally vulnerable.
Key Traits of Avoidant Attachment
- Difficulty relying on others
- Emotional distancing in close relationships
- Suppression of one’s own needs and feelings
- Fear of losing autonomy or being controlled
- Avoidance of deep intimacy
Learning more about how these patterns develop and manifest can offer important context for understanding behaviors such as cheating.
The Psychology Behind Cheating
Cheating or infidelity can be defined as violating the agreed-upon boundaries of a romantic relationship. This violation can be sexual, emotional, or both. People cheat for many reasons: dissatisfaction, excitement, revenge, opportunity, or unmet emotional needs. But underlying these circumstances, attachment style often plays a significant role in shaping how individuals perceive and respond to relationship challenges.
Common Motivations for Cheating
- Emotional dissatisfaction: Seeking closeness or validation elsewhere.
- Sexual curiosity: Desire for novelty or different experiences.
- Lack of commitment: Reluctance to prioritize exclusivity.
- Opportunity: Situational factors lowering inhibitions.
- Revenge: Retaliation for perceived wrongs.
Avoidant attachment, with its hallmark discomfort with intimacy, interacts with these motivations in unique ways.
How Avoidant Attachment Links to Cheating
It’s a common misconception to say that all avoidants cheat, or that only avoidants are unfaithful. Cheating can happen in any attachment style. But research suggests that people with avoidant attachment face specific relational vulnerabilities that may increase the risk of infidelity.
Avoidance of Intimacy
Avoidantly attached individuals often feel overwhelmed by deep emotional connection. When relationships begin to demand vulnerability, avoidants may seek distance—sometimes by forming bonds outside the partnership.
Cheating can serve as a defense mechanism: A way to sabotage or create distance when the relationship feels too close for comfort. This helps the avoidant person regain a sense of independence and control over their emotional world.
Emotional Disconnection
Many avoidants struggle to articulate or even feel their own emotional needs. As a result, they may deny dissatisfaction or neglect communication with their partner. Instead of addressing relational issues directly, they might drift into infidelity as a way to escape or distract themselves from uncomfortable intimacy or unmet needs.
Lack of Commitment or Investment
Avoidants can find it hard to fully invest in their relationships. They guard against dependency and fear “losing themselves.” This subtle emotional withdrawal can chip away at commitment, making it easier to rationalize cheating: “If I’m not really all-in anyway, why does it matter?”
Seeking Novelty Without Emotional Risk
Pursuing new partners outside a committed relationship may feel safe for someone who is uncomfortable with intimacy. Unlike their long-term partner, affairs can offer excitement without the expectation of real vulnerability. In this sense, affairs provide stimulation without requiring deep emotional risk.
What Does the Research Say?
Several studies have explored the link between avoidant attachment and infidelity:
- Attachment style and infidelity: A 2014 study in the Journal of Sex Research found that individuals with higher avoidant tendencies were significantly more likely to report cheating in their relationships.
- Emotional disengagement: Research shows avoidants are less likely to communicate dissatisfaction or seek solutions to relationship issues directly, increasing the risk for indirect solutions such as infidelity.
- Short-term vs. long-term bonds: Avoidant individuals may prefer short-term relationships or side affairs, which allow for less commitment and emotional entanglement.
However, it’s important to remember that not everyone with an avoidant style will cheat, and not all cheating is rooted in attachment issues.
How to Recognize Avoidant Patterns in Relationships
If you suspect you or your partner exhibit avoidant traits, recognizing the signs is the first step toward healthier interactions. Here are common behaviors:
- Pushing away loved ones during moments of closeness
- Withdrawing during conflict or emotional exchanges
- Minimizing or dismissing feelings—your own or your partner’s
- Prioritizing work, hobbies, or friends over the relationship
- Reluctance to discuss commitment or the future
These patterns can create emotional distance, lead to misunderstandings, and, in some cases, set the stage for infidelity as a coping mechanism.
Why Do Avoidants Cheat? A Closer Look
The motives behind infidelity are rarely simple. For someone with an avoidant attachment style, cheating can stem from a combination of subconscious drives and conscious decisions:
- Maintaining ControlAvoidants often crave autonomy. Cheating can feel like taking back control when the relationship seems too demanding or close.
- Sabotaging IntimacyIf deep emotional connection triggers anxiety, infidelity can temporarily restore emotional distance.
- Unaddressed DissatisfactionBecause avoidants are less likely to ask for what they need—or may not even know what they need—they might unconsciously seek fulfillment outside the relationship.
- Low Empathy or RationalizationAvoidant individuals can be so emotionally withdrawn that they rationalize cheating—believing their actions do not truly impact their partner or choosing to avoid thinking about the consequences.
Does This Mean Avoidants Can’t Have Healthy Relationships?
Absolutely not. Attachment style is not destiny. Awareness, willingness to change, and open communication can help avoidants and their partners build rewarding and trustworthy relationships. But without introspection and growth, avoidant tendencies can make healthy relationship dynamics much harder to achieve and sustain.
How Partners Can Cope: Strategies for Both Sides
If you recognize avoidant traits in yourself or your partner, there is hope. Avoidant attachment is a learned pattern—one that can be understood and changed with time, effort, and support.
For the Avoidant Partner
- Strengthen Self-Awareness: Reflect on your emotional patterns and triggers. Consider journaling or therapy to explore discomfort with closeness.
- Practice Vulnerability: Experiment with sharing feelings and needs, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. Start small and build trust incrementally.
- Communicate Transparently: Let your partner know when you need space and why. Open dialogue reduces misunderstandings and builds safety.
- Set Healthy Boundaries: Boundaries aren’t about shutting people out—they help create secure connections. Learn the difference.
- Seek Professional Help: Individual or couples therapy can be transformative in breaking avoidant patterns and healing relationship wounds.
For the Partner of an Avoidant
- Educate Yourself: Learn about attachment styles to foster empathy and clarity.
- Promote Emotional Safety: Be consistent, reliable, and patient. Avoid sudden emotional demands; instead, invite gentle connection.
- Express Your Needs Clearly: Avoid assumptions or mind-reading. Share your feelings directly and calmly.
- Set Your Own Limits: Know what is and isn’t acceptable to you. Stand up for your needs without trying to “fix” your partner.
- Consider Couples Counseling: A therapist familiar with attachment dynamics can help both partners communicate and heal.
Healing After Infidelity Involving Avoidant Attachment
If infidelity has occurred, healing is possible—but it requires honesty, vulnerability, and often professional support. Here are steps both partners can consider:
- Acknowledge the Underlying IssuesRecognize avoidant patterns and how they contributed to the infidelity. This goes beyond blaming to real understanding.
- Rebuild TrustTrust is rebuilt through consistent, honest actions over time. The partner who cheated must take full responsibility and show genuine remorse.
- Open Up CommunicationBoth partners should work toward expressing needs and fears without judgment. Therapy can help facilitate these conversations.
- Focus on Personal GrowthWhether staying together or parting ways, both individuals benefit from understanding themselves and how attachment shapes their relationships.
Myths and Truths About Avoidants and Cheating
- Myth: All avoidants will cheat.
Truth: While avoidant attachment increases risk, not every avoidant partner will cheat. Many develop self-awareness and strong relationship skills. - Myth: Only avoidants are unfaithful.
Truth: Cheating can happen with any attachment style. Motivation and context matter. - Myth: Avoidants don’t care about their partners.
Truth: Many avoidants deeply care but struggle to express it and fear vulnerability. - Myth: Avoidant attachment can’t change.
Truth: With effort and support, attachment patterns can evolve toward greater security.
How to Become More Secure in Relationships
While avoidant attachment can create roadblocks, transformation is possible. Here are some tips for becoming more secure and reducing relationship risk:
- Practice Mindful Communication: Notice when you feel the urge to withdraw. Pause, breathe, and communicate honestly—even if it feels awkward.
- Challenge Old Beliefs: Ask yourself: Is my need for distance protective or avoidant? Is closeness really dangerous?
- Build Emotional Literacy: Learn to identify and name your feelings. This makes healthy vulnerability possible.
- Invest in Self-Compassion: Change is hard. Be gentle with yourself as you practice new ways of connecting.
- Seek Relationships with Secure Partners: Securely attached individuals provide reliable, patient support as you grow.
Conclusion: Hope and Healing Ahead
The link between avoidant attachment and cheating is real, but it is not inevitable. By understanding the roots of avoidant patterns, partners can take informed steps to address them and rebuild connection and trust. Through awareness, communication, and sometimes professional help, individuals can break cycles of emotional distancing and create deeper, more satisfying relationships.
Whether you recognize avoidant tendencies in yourself or your partner, remember: growth is possible. Honesty, empathy, and a willingness to face difficult truths open the door to relationships defined by security rather than avoidance or infidelity.
Further Resources
- Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
- The Attachment Project (attachmentproject.com)
- Find a licensed couples therapist
