Moving on from a breakup is one of the most emotionally challenging experiences many people go through. Whether the relationship ended recently or it’s been months, the question “How long does it take to get over your ex?” is both common and complex. The answer isn’t straightforward, as the process of healing is highly individual and influenced by numerous factors. In this in-depth article, we’ll explore the psychology behind heartbreak, what affects the duration of recovery, stages of healing, and evidence-based ways to support your journey back to emotional well-being.
The Psychology Behind Heartbreak
Understanding why breakups hurt so much can help normalize your feelings. When you’re in a close relationship, your brain associates your partner with comfort, safety, and belonging. Neuroimaging studies reveal that the pain of a breakup activates the same regions of the brain as physical pain. Grief over lost love involves both emotional and physiological processes, making your reaction to the end of a relationship more than just a mental struggle—it’s also a biological one.
Attachment and Loss
Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby, describes romantic relationships as deep emotional bonds. Losing that bond triggers a profound sense of loss, which can lead to symptoms similar to withdrawal after addiction. The brain’s reward system, tied to dopamine and oxytocin, undergoes significant changes during a breakup, leading to common post-breakup feelings such as sadness, anxiety, and longing.
Is There a Timeline for Getting Over an Ex?
Despite the wish for a magic number, there’s no universal duration for recovering from a breakup. People often refer to the “half the length of the relationship” rule, but social psychologists and relationship experts agree that the timeline varies substantially. Several factors play a role in how long it takes to move on:
- Relationship Duration: Longer relationships tend to result in deeper attachments, often requiring more time to heal.
- Depth of Emotional Investment: The more you shared—dreams, values, experiences—the harder it can be to detach.
- Reason for the Breakup: Betrayals, unresolved conflict, or mutual endings all impact how quickly you recover.
- Support Network: Those with strong friendships and supportive families may find it easier to cope.
- Attachment Style: People with secure attachment styles tend to recover more steadily, while anxious or avoidant types may struggle longer.
- Mental Health: Preexisting depression, anxiety, or low self-esteem can prolong healing.
- Life Circumstances: Other stressors or life transitions can complicate the process.
What Do Research Studies Say?
While everyone’s journey is unique, some research offers general insights:
- A 2015 study in the Journal of Positive Psychology found that most participants reported significant emotional recovery from a breakup after about three months.
- Another study found that divorcees commonly needed an average of 18 months to fully move on.
- Grieving a first love versus a subsequent relationship may differ in intensity and length.
These numbers are not prescriptions but points of reference—it’s important not to compare your recovery timeline with others’ experiences.
The Stages of Healing After a Breakup
Healing after the end of a relationship often comes in stages, similar to the process of grieving a loss. You may not go through every stage, and the order isn’t always linear.
- Shock and Denial
Immediately after the breakup, you may feel numb or disbelief. This is your mind’s way of protecting you from overwhelming emotions.
- Pain and Loneliness
As reality sets in, intense sadness, ruminating thoughts, and periods of loneliness are common. It’s normal to miss your ex—even if the relationship wasn’t perfect.
- Negotiation and Hope
You might find yourself daydreaming about reunions, wondering if things could have been different, or reaching out. This bargaining phase reflects the difficulty in letting go.
- Anger and Frustration
Resentment can surface, sometimes directed at your ex or even yourself. Feeling angry is part of reclaiming your sense of self and justice.
- Acceptance and Growth
Eventually, you make peace with the past, reflect on the lessons learned, and begin to envision a future without your ex. Acceptance doesn’t erase sadness, but it increasingly makes space for new possibilities.
Practical Ways to Support Your Healing
While you can’t rush the process, you do have agency over how you approach your recovery. Here are actionable steps to help you move forward:
1. Allow Yourself to Grieve
Suppressing pain or rushing to “get over it” can backfire. Give yourself permission to feel sadness, anger, fear, and even relief. Journal your thoughts, talk with friends, or express your emotions through art.
2. Maintain No Contact
One of the most effective ways to heal is to establish boundaries—this often means limiting or eliminating contact with your ex, at least initially. Constant communication or stalking their social media prolongs attachment and prevents healing. Consider “unfollowing” or muting them for your well-being.
3. Rebuild Your Identity
Relationships often shape our routines and sense of self. Use this time to rediscover personal interests, set new goals, and invest in activities that bring you joy. This could be a new hobby, travel, or reconnecting with neglected friendships.
4. Lean on Your Support Network
Don’t isolate yourself. Share your feelings with trusted friends or family members who can offer empathy and perspective. Support groups or therapy can also be valuable, especially if you’re struggling to cope.
5. Practice Self-Compassion
Resist the urge to self-blame or dwell on regrets. Remind yourself that healing is non-linear, and setbacks are normal. Speak to yourself as you would to a dear friend—gentle, forgiving, and encouraging.
6. Take Care of Your Physical Health
Prioritize sleep, exercise, and nutritious food. Physical well-being is closely connected to emotional health—regular movement can also help reduce anxiety and improve your mood.
7. Seek Professional Help If Needed
If you notice symptoms of depression, persistent anxiety, or find yourself obsessing over your ex for months, consulting a mental health professional can make a significant difference. Therapy provides a safe space for processing grief and developing healthy coping strategies.
Common Myths About Moving On
Misconceptions about “how long it should take” to get over an ex can be unhelpful, or even harmful. Here’s the truth behind some common myths:
- Myth 1: “Moving on means forgetting.”
Healing doesn’t require erasing your past. It’s about integrating the experience and growing from it. - Myth 2: “A new relationship is the best remedy.”
While new connections can be uplifting, jumping into another relationship without adequate healing can backfire and repeat unhealthy patterns. - Myth 3: “You should be over it by now.”
There is no “should”—everyone’s process is different. Comparing yourself to others often adds unnecessary pressure.
Signs You’re Making Progress
Sometimes, it’s hard to recognize your own growth. Here are encouraging signs that you’re moving toward healing:
- You think of your ex less frequently and with less intensity.
- Memories no longer cause overwhelming sadness or anger.
- You begin to look forward to new experiences.
- Self-blame and regrets diminish.
- You feel reconnected with friends, work, or hobbies.
- You start visualizing a meaningful future without your ex.
Recovery Isn’t Linear
Remember, recovery doesn’t follow a straight line. You might have days when the pain feels raw again—perhaps triggered by a song, a memory, or an unexpected encounter. If this happens, it doesn’t negate your progress. Healing often happens in waves, not by strict deadlines.
Helping Yourself Move On: Additional Tips
- Set Clear Boundaries: Politely but firmly decline invitations or reminders that involve your ex, at least until you’re ready.
- Minimize Triggers: Remove physical reminders from your space, such as photos or gifts.
- Affirm Your Worth: Practice positive self-talk and remind yourself that your value isn’t defined by a relationship’s end.
- Stay Open to New Connections: Reconnecting with old friends or making new ones can bring fresh energy and perspectives.
- Engage in Mindfulness: Techniques like deep breathing, meditation, or yoga help foster resilience and calm.
When Should You Seek Extra Help?
If months have passed and you find yourself unable to function, obsessively thinking about your ex, or experiencing symptoms of depression such as hopelessness, drastic weight changes, or sleep troubles, reach out to a mental health professional. Post-breakup grief should not compromise your ability to work, care for yourself, or connect with others.
Embracing a New Chapter
Ultimately, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer to “how long it takes to get over your ex.” While breakups undeniably hurt, they also provide powerful opportunities for self-discovery and growth. Allow yourself to move through the stages of grief, draw on your support networks, and be gentle with yourself. Healing doesn’t mean forgetting; it means making peace with your past so you can embrace the possibilities of your future.
No matter where you are in your journey, know that your feelings are valid, and healing is possible. With time, patience, and care, you’ll forge a new sense of self—even stronger than before.
