Have you ever found yourself obsessing over someone, unable to shake their presence from your mind no matter how hard you try? Maybe it’s someone you dated briefly, someone who rejected you, or even someone who simply isn’t emotionally available. You know it’s unhealthy, but the emotional gravity pulls you in relentlessly. You’re not weak, and you’re not broken. You’re responding to something deeper — a connection that activates your unresolved pain, your core wounds.
What Are Core Wounds?
Core wounds are deeply embedded emotional injuries formed early in life. They stem from unmet emotional needs, traumatic experiences, or repeated patterns of emotional distress, usually in childhood. Everyone has them, and they influence how we perceive love, connection, and self-worth.
Common core wounds include:
- Fear of abandonment
- Fear of rejection
- Feeling unworthy of love
- Fear of being invisible or not being enough
- Fear of betrayal or not being able to trust
When someone comes along and triggers these wounds, the emotional response is intense. It might be experiences from this person’s behavior — hot and cold communication, emotional unavailability, or inconsistency — that mirror patterns from your past.
Why Him? The Psychology of Romantic Obsession
Obsession often masquerades as deep love, but it’s actually more closely tied to anxiety, unresolved pain, and fear. You may not be drawn to him because of who he truly is, but because of what he represents — a subconscious attempt to resolve something much older than the current relationship.
The Role of Attachment Styles
Your attachment style, shaped by early relationships with caregivers, plays a major role in how you relate romantically. Here’s a quick breakdown:
- Secure attachment: Comfortable with intimacy and independence
- Anxious attachment: Craves closeness but fears rejection
- Avoidant attachment: Values independence, avoids closeness
- Disorganized attachment: A mix of anxious and avoidant; craves love but fears it
If you have an anxious or disorganized style, you’re more vulnerable to obsessive feelings, especially when someone triggers your fear of rejection, abandonment, or not feeling good enough.
How Core Wounds Are Triggered in Modern Dating
Let’s break down some common modern dating behaviors that tend to awaken core wounds and fuel obsession:
Ghosting or Silent Treatment
If you grew up with caregivers who were emotionally unavailable or neglectful, ghosting may feel like reliving that abandonment. Even if the relationship was brief, the sudden disconnect scratches at an old wound without closure.
Breadcrumbing (Giving Occasional Attention)
This hot-and-cold behavior can be addictive, especially for someone with an anxious attachment style. The inconsistency offers just enough connection to activate hope, but not enough to feel secure — reenacting childhood cycles of unpredictability.
Being Treated Like a Backup Option
When someone doesn’t prioritize you, it may reinforce feelings of being unworthy or invisible. The dynamic keeps you longing to prove your worth, tying your self-value to their validation.
Over-identifying with Their Pain
You may see their trauma and want to heal it. If you have a rescuer or fixer identity — behaviors often rooted in unstable family roles — this becomes a way to feel needed, valuable, and connected.
Signs Your Obsession Is Linked to Core Wounds
Ask yourself the following questions to uncover whether this is really love or unresolved pain in disguise:
- Do you feel anxious when they’re not giving you attention?
- Do you see them as emotionally unavailable, yet feel a strong desire to make them love you?
- Do you hope they will come back even when they’ve repeatedly withdrawn?
- Do you find yourself recalling every moment, word, or message obsessively?
- Do you know logically they’re not meeting your needs, but feel unable to disconnect?
If you answered “yes” to several of these, your emotional attachment is likely tied to core wounds rather than genuine compatibility.
The Neurochemistry Behind Obsession
Part of why this obsession feels so powerful lies in the brain’s reward system. Emotional highs and lows create a dopamine feedback loop — the same one activated by addiction. When that person gives you intermittent attention, your brain forms a pattern: chase, reward, crash, repeat.
Adding to that, the lack of closure or emotional unpredictability increases cortisol (the stress hormone), which makes you more aroused and panicked. These feelings can be misinterpreted as passion, but they’re really your nervous system in survival mode.
Breaking the Cycle: How to Start Healing
Recognizing that your obsession stems from inner wounds is a powerful first step. Healing these wounds requires compassion, inner work, and conscious effort.
1. Identify the Triggered Core Wound
Ask yourself what emotional pain this relationship is activating. Is it abandonment, rejection, or feelings of inadequacy? Trace this back to your early life. When was the first time you felt this way? Identifying the origin shifts the power back to you.
2. Practice Self-Validation
Much of obsession arises from seeking external validation. Reclaiming your worth by affirming your value and treating yourself with kindness interrupts this cycle. Journaling, mirror work, and practicing affirmations are effective starting points.
3. Set Boundaries
If this person is still in your life in any capacity, emotional hygiene is crucial. Setting clear boundaries protects your energy and gives space for healing. This might mean unfollowing them on social media, blocking contact, or limiting conversations.
4. Reprocess the Relationship
Often, we idealize people we obsess over. Try writing a letter to them you’ll never send, noting how they made you feel and what role they played in triggering your wounds. Then write another letter from your future self, giving you comfort and guidance.
5. Seek Therapeutic Support
Working with a trauma-informed therapist or coach can help you uncover and heal core wounds safely and effectively. Inner child work, somatic therapy, or EMDR are powerful methods to dig deep into origin pain and rewire patterns.
Rewriting the Narrative
When you learn to soothe your own anxiety, give yourself the love you crave, and walk away from relationships that repeat old pain, you reclaim your power. Obsession fades when it’s no longer tied to unresolved pieces of self-worth.
Healthy Love Doesn’t Trigger Core Wounds — It Supports Healing
It’s important to remember that emotionally safe relationships may feel less ‘intense’ at first because they don’t activate your trauma response. But that doesn’t mean they’re not meaningful. Healthy connection grows over time, rooted in stability, trust, and emotional reciprocity.
Here’s what healthy love looks like:
- Consistent communication
- Respecting boundaries
- Security rather than anxiety
- Freedom to be vulnerable without fear of rejection
- Mutual support and growth
Conclusion: Your Wounds Do Not Define You
Being obsessed with someone who triggers your core wounds is not a sign of weakness—it’s an invitation. An invitation to uncover the emotional truths you’ve carried for years. By facing those painful wounds and choosing to heal, you let go of relationships that mirror your trauma and make space for true connection.
You are not broken. You are healing.
Telling yourself the truth about your patterns is the beginning of freedom. The more you understand your nervous system, your past, and your attachment style, the more empowered you become to choose love that feels like safety, not survival.
The obsession isn’t about him — it’s about you. Your journey. Your healing. And that’s where your power lies.
